There was a point in my life where it ruled me. I was miserable every day. It paralyzed my desire to feel and to find the joy in each moment. I honestly wondered how I was going to get through the upcoming life experiences, driver's Ed, getting my license, braces, oral surgery. Not a big deal to you huh?
Each of those made up a mountain, a mountain that I stood at the bottom of and looked up to the peak and wondered how I was going to reach the top.
I've spent many of times on the floor of my bathroom fighting waves of nausea, for no reason at all, and asking God to take it away. To take my pain and misery and throw it out so I would never have to deal with it again. Yet I felt so alone and hurt when time after time I didn't receive the comfort I was seeking. You have to know in each of those moments part of me wondered why God was allowing me to experience what I felt as agony.
And now looking back, I smile at God's faithfulness in my life. It sucked, it was painful, and it wasn't even a tiny bit fun. But I look at the person I am now and I'm thankful that I went through it. It drew me to God like no other because I was in such a broken state I had no other choice. I learned to pray through each situation and expect God to show up.
This is the most I think I've shared about this part of my life. Why? Well to be honest I felt like it was a weakness in my life. And I hate having a weakness out there for the world to see. But now I care for those who suffer just like I do. Who need to know that there is hope and a way to get through it.
I remember when I had my oral surgery over a year ago, I expected to be nervous a week before. I wasn't. Then I expected to be super nervous the day of. I hardly had any nerves that morning. I had people praying for me that day and I can't describe to you how calm I felt. I remember walking back to my room and beginning to cry, not because I was nervous but because of the overwhelming sense of peace that came over me in that moment. A peace that surpassed my understanding. God walked with me through that situation, He has always been there, in the good and the bad. He is my protector, shield, strength, fortress, hope and peace.
I've learned over the years many ways to distract myself. I have a playlist specifically for those moments, songs I can blast to get my mind off things. I spent a lot of time riding, nothing like being on a horse that was always looking for a chance to pull something on you to keep you distracted. As it's eased and I deal with it less frequently, I've added running to my list. I gotta keep moving to be distracted.
So Sunday, when I got up to get ready for church and had weird anxiety symptoms going on I wasn't having any of it. This is something I've gotten very stubborn about. I won't have Satan messing with me or my life and winning! And that prompted a facebook status of not backing down.
When my friend Kimberly, asked me to explain the status and I shared the details, the next day she handed me boxing gloves. A visual reminder of my inward battle to not back down. That raised the question; maybe I should take up kickboxing as a new distraction? lol I think I would enjoy it.
This morning as I was reading my Bible I found a passage in Psalms the resonated with my heart.
"The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. For He will conceal me there when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me." - Psalm 27:1b,3,5-6a
I've read this a couple times now and I always end up feeling satisfied, happy and passionate all at the same time. In a way this is my battle cry...
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